Coming back...

This is the title of a song God put in my heart 2 weeks ago. It's funny how the words only began speaking to my heart and situation this week. Or maybe I just wasn't prepared to listen to Him then.

"Coming Back"
I'm tired of walking this dark road
And I can't do it on my own
I'm at the point of desperation
Crying out in my frustration
Why can't I feel you?
Does that mean you are not there?
And if I can't hear your voice-
Does that mean you do not care?

I'm coming back...
I'm coming back...
I'm coming back...to You.

Let Me speak some truth over this situation
Let me speak some truth over this situation
Let me speak some truth over...you

Yes, I can hear you-
And yes I care.
Yes, I am with you...
I've always been there.
I am your Father
I am your Saviour
I'm your Deliverer and Redeemer...
I am I AM.

You know those times where we just completely shut God out of the picture?? Where you know full well He is speaking to you but you choose not to listen or to make dumb excuses...like "oh he can't be talking to me...or that doesn't apply directly to what's going on" Well...that's been me...for a few months now. I can't go into detail about what's been going on but let's just say it's been a struggle. Don't worry I wasn't on drugs and I haven't accumulated a drinking problem guys!!!....but it was something I never thought I would struggle with. At first I could hear God speaking clearly to me...."come back"..."this isn't right"...but as my heart became harder His voice became weaker and weaker until the point where I think He just gave up trying to speak directly to me. That's when He started speaking through other people. 2 sundays ago at church we were worshipping and the Lord spoke through Brother Ron, a powerful man of God who also goes to HPC. He said "How dare you call me Lord when I am not master in your life?"
You would think I would have gotten the message...I felt my heart stirring but I wasn't ready to deal with the situation, so yet again I ignored Him. I simply quit singing the song.

I had convinced myself that nothing was wrong even though I knew otherwise in my heart. It is so easy to let our flesh and feelings control how we live and the choices we make...I guess once you are convinced that everything is okay what your heart cries out seems irrelevant because you become "comfortable" in your situation. I am soo thankful that God loves me enough not to give up on me when I totally turn away from Him. I only realized how much He wanted me back when He spoke to a lady I don't really even know...and told her to be praying for me. Finally He showed her why and everything was illuminated. It's actually quite funny...God was tired of me not listening so He decided to fill everyone close to me in on what I was sooo desperately trying to hide. Thanks God!! :)

So this past week has been like a war for me. Every moment of the day I have to choose what to believe and to let Jesus be my master. Sometimes the pain in my heart is so unbearable, I feel like giving up...but then I remind myself...God didn't, hasn't, and WON'T give up on me!! Not ever...and I simply cannot understand that kindof love...but I am so grateful for it. Jesus did speak truth over my situation and continues to do so every day, especially through the amazing people He has put in my life. So I want to thank them for allowing God to use them to speak love and truth into my life: Jacci, Jessie, Zinty, Sarah,Mrs. Susan, Natalie, Jordan, Pat, Busie, Lizette, Angelle, Crystal and mostly...my parents. Thanks guys for keeping me on track and watchin out for me. Y'all mean the world to me!!

Dang...this year has been a emotional and spiritual roller-coaster so far!! I know satan has been trying to bring me down the whole year but God has held on to me when I refused to hold onto Him. His love overwhelms me...I cannot even begin to explain the way my heart feels each time I think upon it. Even though He has gotten me this far...it's still hard. My heart still hurts and I know it will get better with time...but your prayers would be deeply appreciated. Pray for wisdom, strength, healing, and complete restoration. Please also pray for my friend and sister in Christ, Ntisiki, who is also going through a lot and yearning to be all God has planned for her to be.

Okay now for some happy talk...I got to play and sing the song this past Sunday in church...with Zinty. It was scarry but I think God has really been taking me out of my comfort zone lately, so that's always good I guess. :) I'm taking mock exams now. They finish thursday. Cant wait! BUt then we still have the real ones....17 of them!!! Oh my... Oh and I got my prom/graduation dress in Capetown. It's really pretty. They call it "leavers" here...its kinda like prom and graduation mixed. Its November 15th. Wish you all could come!!

Going to soccer practice now....yay!!!
God bless!!